I just can't get something out of me head. Someone close to me recently asked me if I was "real".
Are the things that I do and the way that I act who I really am?
Or, am I just pretending? Just playing a role?
The honest answer is that I don't know.
I used to think I was.
I think I want to be.
I get so close to letting go of all the things that I desperatly cling to that keep me from being "real", yet let the fear of being transparent keep me from going all the way.
Why is it so hard?
3 comments:
I know for me the answer is fear. I've been thinking about the same thing for a long time. I keep coming back to songs like Billy Joel's "The Stranger" or Blue Man Group's "Persona." Sometimes we hide our true selves because we are afraid of what people will think once they realize that the show, the act, the mask that we have been wearing for so long is not the real us. Will they accept us as we are, or will they reject the "real" us in favor of the masquerade?
The same fear holds true - albeit irrationally - with God. Even though God knows the "real" me better than I ever can, I still live in fear of taking off the various masks that I wear. What if God, seeing the real me, rejects me...
That fear, the fear of rejection, is what leads so many of us to build unassailable fortresses around our "real" selves.
Thanks Joe, you have such an amazing way with words and really summed up exactly what I was thinking. I guess part of the fear comes in not even knowing for myself who the "real" me is. Even worse, what if I don't like that person? What if the facade is better than the truth?
I love hearing what you and Joe have to say on this subject. I just wrote on Joe's blog about the same topic. I've been wrestling with this idea but had shoved it to the back of my mind because i was afraid I was going through some midlife crisis and didn't want to address it. :-)
Fear is definitely a big part of it for me too. Fear even of who I might actually be underneath it all. Then I starting thinking, who am I really? What makes me - me? And that leads into all sorts of philosophy thoughts which I don't like because there are no answers in philosophy! It just leads to more questions! Anyway, tangent there... So I need to think on this some more because you and Joe raise some very good questions. I think ultimately, all I can say is that I'm God's and he loves me - whoever that "me" may be! Which is just too awesome for words! :-) Love you, Heather!
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