Here

"....right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be...and I could not ask for more."

It has taken me a long time to actually believe this, longer than I even want to admit to myself. I have spent so much time and energy trying to get back to the place where I thought I should be, only to realize that it was a place that I had created in my mind.

I am ashamed of what that journey has looked like. In every situation that I sought happiness and failed, there was one common denominator. Me. There is no friendship, no relationship, no drink, nothing that could change the fact that what I was unhappy with the most was me.

It hasn't been easy and wouldn't expect it to be, but I am changing. The hardest part in changing is mental for me. I can act the part, I can put on the show that people want, but actually feeling it has been hard.

I am good at pretending and even better at manipulating situations and relationships. I am trying to stop that, but it is something that I have always done, and I know that it will take time.

More than anything, I am thankful. I have spent so many years trying to keep God at a safe distance. Ready to call on him in times of need, but far enough away to feel like he wasn't watching. Praying for people and expecting that he would answer, but believing that it was a kind of grace and love that was reserved for others but certainly not for me. Accepting that kind of gift is hard for me.

It is a process for me, something that I want desperately. I also know that it is something that I could never do on my own. Stumbling scares me, the fear of reverting to what is comfortable is numbing.

More than fear, I feel hope. I feel reassurance and confirmation that this really is right where I am supposed to be. In this moment, I am not supposed to be anywhere but here.

That is awesome.





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