....for the last few weeks I have been really looking forward to this weekend. I am sitting alone in a hotel room right now, getting ready for an auction. I am excited about the treasures that await me today, but I was even more excited about getting a break from the craziness that is my life...
...what I craved the most was quiet....silence. What I didn't count on was that when surrounded by silence, I would no longer be able to ignore my own thoughts. It's an uncomfortable place, but one that I need to be in. I have heard more and said more in the last 12 hours of silince, than I have in years...
...the conclusions that I have come to are scary, they require an action, something to change. More than the fear of what I need to do is the cripling thought that I will do nothing. The idea that I will wake up next month, next year and still be the same is terrifying.
...I am really good at excuses, at reasons why I can't do the right thing, be the person that I know should be. I have lists of them, but in the quiet of the night I realize that they are just that, excuses.
...I don't know where I go from here, but I am open...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
truth
I got a call this morning from someone wanting to know if I would be interested in writing some articles for a publication that focuses on parenting children with special needs. As with most everything in life, this publication has a very clear defined platform, all though they might not advertise it as such. In the course of talking with her I could tell very quickly that they wanted an article that would be nice. I was not in the mood to be nice.
Nice... Flowery.... Tell about how wonderful it is to be blessed with a child that is so specially gifted. Rave about the joys of the experience, about how it has made our family stronger, how we would not trade this opportunity for the world. She used words like hope and positive. Several times she used the word truth.
The truth is that it sucks. There is nothing great or heart warming about it. There is no way to sugar coat it, to make it a positive. Truthfully, it is just not good.
I hate the term special needs. There is nothing special about it. Different, but not special. Unique, but not special.
It has not made me a stronger person nor has it strengthened our family or our marriage. If anythind it has done the opposite.
The statistic is something like 80% of all marriages that involve an autistic child fail. The stress of dealing with the day to day makes the idea of sharing 50/50 custody seem like a break, sometimes the only option in order to be able to breathe. I know how bad it sounds, but that is the truth.
Hope is something that rarely is factor in my daily routine. There are glimmers of hope that are found in new medicines or therapy, but they are always short lived. Don't get me wrong, we have good days. We have some really good days, the problem is that the good days make the bad days even harder. The reality is that it is not going to get better. He is not going to wake up one day and be free of this. That doesn't offer much hope.
I love him with everything that I am, but that doesn't make it any better. There is nothing that I can do or say that can take away that struggle that he feels. There are times when he asks me to make it stop, to help him be able to stop all of the feelings. I cant do that for him, that is the reality.
She wanted the truth, but as with most people, I don't think they can handle the truth.
Nice... Flowery.... Tell about how wonderful it is to be blessed with a child that is so specially gifted. Rave about the joys of the experience, about how it has made our family stronger, how we would not trade this opportunity for the world. She used words like hope and positive. Several times she used the word truth.
The truth is that it sucks. There is nothing great or heart warming about it. There is no way to sugar coat it, to make it a positive. Truthfully, it is just not good.
I hate the term special needs. There is nothing special about it. Different, but not special. Unique, but not special.
It has not made me a stronger person nor has it strengthened our family or our marriage. If anythind it has done the opposite.
The statistic is something like 80% of all marriages that involve an autistic child fail. The stress of dealing with the day to day makes the idea of sharing 50/50 custody seem like a break, sometimes the only option in order to be able to breathe. I know how bad it sounds, but that is the truth.
Hope is something that rarely is factor in my daily routine. There are glimmers of hope that are found in new medicines or therapy, but they are always short lived. Don't get me wrong, we have good days. We have some really good days, the problem is that the good days make the bad days even harder. The reality is that it is not going to get better. He is not going to wake up one day and be free of this. That doesn't offer much hope.
I love him with everything that I am, but that doesn't make it any better. There is nothing that I can do or say that can take away that struggle that he feels. There are times when he asks me to make it stop, to help him be able to stop all of the feelings. I cant do that for him, that is the reality.
She wanted the truth, but as with most people, I don't think they can handle the truth.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Fabulous
So today was a great day, fabulous even. I haven't had a day like this in a while and it was far too long overdue.
It really started last night with Girls Night Out with my two best girlfriends. There is just something about being with people who really get me that makes for so much fun. With these girls I don't have to come up with lengthy explanations and far stretched analogies to get my feelings across, they just know. I love them so much and spending a few hours with them last night was exactly what I needed. We are also planning our annual fall trip and staying in a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN that is to die for. It is called Very Beary and has four master bedrooms, a dream kitchen, game room, theatre room, hot tub and breath taking views. Sure to be an amazing weekend!!
I was already in a great mood when I woke up and things just got better from there. I began the day sitting in a massage chair with my feet soaking in hot water while I texted, facebooked and checked email. A pedicure and an iPhone, if there is such a thing as complete bliss, that just might be it. It totally took my mind off the fact that the women in the nail salon only speak Korean and I am always convinced that they are talking about me while I am sitting there. My pedicure was followed by a manicure and getting my eyebrows done, which while painful, I kinda love.
I bought some new capri's and a few shirts to go with my cute toes and even had time to go to Macy's to get makeup and perfume. I did all of this, including a car wash in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Sometimes I even impress myself.
When I got home I could not resist being outside because the weather is sooo beautiful. I was able to clean my car out including the carpet and upholstery. I love a clean car, it makes me feel responsible and happy!!
To round out the afternoon I mowed the front yard and even had time to do my Shred workout. Ahhhhhhhhh...I love my life.
Reality will set in tomorrow when I realize that I will be up for about 40 hours straight with Crazy Night and Spring Fest, but for today all is good!!
It really started last night with Girls Night Out with my two best girlfriends. There is just something about being with people who really get me that makes for so much fun. With these girls I don't have to come up with lengthy explanations and far stretched analogies to get my feelings across, they just know. I love them so much and spending a few hours with them last night was exactly what I needed. We are also planning our annual fall trip and staying in a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN that is to die for. It is called Very Beary and has four master bedrooms, a dream kitchen, game room, theatre room, hot tub and breath taking views. Sure to be an amazing weekend!!
I was already in a great mood when I woke up and things just got better from there. I began the day sitting in a massage chair with my feet soaking in hot water while I texted, facebooked and checked email. A pedicure and an iPhone, if there is such a thing as complete bliss, that just might be it. It totally took my mind off the fact that the women in the nail salon only speak Korean and I am always convinced that they are talking about me while I am sitting there. My pedicure was followed by a manicure and getting my eyebrows done, which while painful, I kinda love.
I bought some new capri's and a few shirts to go with my cute toes and even had time to go to Macy's to get makeup and perfume. I did all of this, including a car wash in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Sometimes I even impress myself.
When I got home I could not resist being outside because the weather is sooo beautiful. I was able to clean my car out including the carpet and upholstery. I love a clean car, it makes me feel responsible and happy!!
To round out the afternoon I mowed the front yard and even had time to do my Shred workout. Ahhhhhhhhh...I love my life.
Reality will set in tomorrow when I realize that I will be up for about 40 hours straight with Crazy Night and Spring Fest, but for today all is good!!
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