More Like A Shuffle

I have convinced myself that what I do, what I say, how I live is fine.
It's not like it is bad.
I just do what everyone else does.
No one gets hurt.

Realizing that someone does get hurt has been hard.
Especially when the person getting hurt is the One that loves me the most.
Love beyond comprehension.

Today I made another tiny little step towards the life that I long for.
Maybe less of a step.
More like a shuffle.
Too small of a movement to even be noticed.
Unnoticeable by all but One.
The One that cares the most.

I am anxious to take that big step.
The one that everyone sees.
Everyone notices.
Anxious and scared
Scared of the imprint left beind when I actually do move.

So many questions and fears about what is to come.
More questions and fears about what happens if it doesn't.
Is that tiny step enough to even matter?
Less of a step.
More like a shuffle.

Dreams and Wishes

Journal
July 8, 2009

Today Isaak asked me if I had three wishes what would they be. I couldn't come up with an answer...

I am trying to figure out when I stopped wishing.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Aren't they the same?

Did I ever really stop?
Did I stop dreaming or did I just stop admitting it.
If I give voice to a dream, I am responsible for making it happen.
It stops being abstract and becomes a goal.
It becomes another thing to bring disappointment.
Another place to fail.

So instead of letting them go, I hold on tightly.
Afraid that someone might get just a glimpse of them.
Afraid that I might not be able to ignore them.

I grew up being told I could be anything I wished to be.
That was a lie.
What I wished for, what I dreamed of...will never be.
It wasn't my choice.
Autism was never part of my dream.
I never wished it.
I never wanted it, but it is what we got.
They say dreams come true.
Mine didn't.

I still have to answer the question. Three wishes....

I would wish to eliminate Autism. Not just from our lives, but from the world.
That one is easy.
The other two are not.
Not easy because I don't know or not easy because I am scared to say?
Not sure I have an answer for that, but i will.

As for Isaak, he had no trouble coming up with three....
to be an archaeologist, to find a rare dinosaur fossil in Egypt and to be the best dodge ball player in the world...

June 7, 2009

I have so much to say, but none of the words make sense.
Not even to me.

I still find myself caring too much about the things I shouldn't.
I can't make myself care enough about the things I should.

I have all the right names for how I should feel.
I have them on lists, in categories, laid out.
The problem is that I don't have the feelings to match.

I have an abundance of feelings.
On my mind, on my heart.
All too often I wear them on my sleeve.
Hidden. For all the world to see.

These feeling don't have words.
They don't have pretty words.
They don't make sense to anyone but me.
Yet, I often can't understand them.

I have so much I need to say right now.
So many things that I need to give voice to.
Things that give me life.
Things that sufficate me.

I have so much to say.
I just don't know where to start.
More importantly where to end.