It has been a very long day, one that creeps by in the middle of a even longer week.
Isaak is having a really hard time and is now on the verge of being permanently expelled from school. He has started to hurt himself and others. He barely sleeps, and when he does he goes through manic episodes, half awake and half asleep. He has threatened his classmates and teacher. He has stopped telling the truth.
The only word that I have to explain how I feel is numb. That's all that I have left.
I have done mad. I have done mad really well. I have been mad at everyone that I can think of, including God. I don't have the energy to do mad anymore.
I have lived sad. I have wallowed in sad. I am done with sad.
I have played the victim. Over and over again I have made this all about me.
I have taken comfort in guilt. I have used guilt as a way to make sense of what is going on. I done with that.
I have faked happy. I have faked happy a lot. I have pretended to be OK for so long, hoping that I could fake it until I feel it. I am not happy.
I am numb. I am out of anger and sadness and guilt and tired of pretending.
Numb is all I have left.
4 comments:
I am sorry to hear that things are not going well. I have no platitudes to offer, just a promise to pray. Know that Melissa and I will be praying for you and for Brett and for Isaak as well.
Heather, Just want to say one thing to you, God will not give you more than you can handle. I am praying for you that God will be in this situation and that peace will be with you. Love ya encouraging captian!
Heather - my heart hurts for you. I believe strongly in the power of prayer and I will be lifting you and your family up to God this week. If its ok, I'd like to share this with my small group and we will all lift you up in prayer.
I agree with Joe - often there is nothing to be said. Just cry out to God and know that there are others who are doing the same for you!! You are so much loved!!!
Sometimes you can't make it on your own.
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