Goodbye..

Today I ended two relationships.
Relationships that have sustained..carried..supported..devastated me.
Parts of my life that have been dead long before I was ready to say goodbye.
Feelings that I fear will never die.

One relationship has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
I forget how it started..when it became so strong.
It was always toxic.
At times I thrived on how detrimental it was.
This friendship gave me the strength to do what was weak.
The excuse to make the wrong choice.
It was never really able to stop my conscience from knowing better.
It tried. It tried really hard.
The relationship failed me.
Failing it is what made me stronger.
I said goodbye to it tonight.

The other relationship was younger..but has always been there.
The face to it was new..the outline the same.
This friendship gave me power.
It made me feel loved..excepted..hated..
It came up underneath me and pushed me to the surface..long enough to breathe..
Then it pushed me under..held me down..
The pain and discomfort was exciting..numbing..
The relationship was broke from the beginning, never real...
At times is was closer to real than anything I had felt before.
I said goodbye to it tonight.

The hardest part of me saying goodbye is knowing how much I mean it.
It is knowing that I might change my mind.
It is knowing that the goodbyes were one sided.
These friendships still have life in them..
What if the other side is strong enough to keep it going..
What is I am not strong enough to resist.

Saying goodbye is hard..empowering..scary..confirming..
It can be final..temporary..subjective..
It is goodbye...
Sometimes it's just hard to find the good in it...