Journal Entry June 3rd

About a year ago I read The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne and it challenged every idea I had about Christianity. It caused me to think about following Jesus in a way that I never had before. It changed me....for about a week.

We just finished our Crazy Love class with Pastor Troy and it too has challenged me. I am fascinated with this concept of an all encompassing, overwhelming love for God that requires a life change. The class changed me....but that was last week.

I am struggling to get ahold of this. For me, writing is a way that I work through things. Here is a page from my journal...

June 3rd

I feel like I'm so close.
I think this is different.
I could be wrong.
Is it just like every time before?

I am so close to peeking over the edge.
So close to hurling myself into you.
On the verge of going farther than ever before.
What if I step out and change my mind.
Is it already too late to turn back?

I want it to be so much more than that thing.
More than a movement.
Much more than a cause.
Anything but a phase.

I don't want to fail me.
Terrified even more of failing you.
I'm in a place where I know I can't stay.
A place that I am petrified to leave.

Funny, this talk about a comfort zone.
Comfort. It is anything but comfortable.
Yet I am rooted in it.
Clinging to it.
Why is it so hard to leave misery?

I don't know what all this means.
I'm afraid I will just wait until this feeling passes.
I've done that, too many times.
But I will wait.
I don't have a choice.