Dreams and Wishes

Journal
July 8, 2009

Today Isaak asked me if I had three wishes what would they be. I couldn't come up with an answer...

I am trying to figure out when I stopped wishing.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Aren't they the same?

Did I ever really stop?
Did I stop dreaming or did I just stop admitting it.
If I give voice to a dream, I am responsible for making it happen.
It stops being abstract and becomes a goal.
It becomes another thing to bring disappointment.
Another place to fail.

So instead of letting them go, I hold on tightly.
Afraid that someone might get just a glimpse of them.
Afraid that I might not be able to ignore them.

I grew up being told I could be anything I wished to be.
That was a lie.
What I wished for, what I dreamed of...will never be.
It wasn't my choice.
Autism was never part of my dream.
I never wished it.
I never wanted it, but it is what we got.
They say dreams come true.
Mine didn't.

I still have to answer the question. Three wishes....

I would wish to eliminate Autism. Not just from our lives, but from the world.
That one is easy.
The other two are not.
Not easy because I don't know or not easy because I am scared to say?
Not sure I have an answer for that, but i will.

As for Isaak, he had no trouble coming up with three....
to be an archaeologist, to find a rare dinosaur fossil in Egypt and to be the best dodge ball player in the world...