Words

So, I am kind of a closet nerd. I have a strong affinity for words, one that could be considered borderline obsessive. I am always amazed at the power of words, that a simple combination of letters can have so much impact. My absolute favorite word is nevertheless. I just love it!

I follow lots of "word for the day" lists and today two of my words were diaphanous and contretemps. My goal for the day is to use those words in casual conversation, which could be a stretch considering who I will be talking to.

Here is my favorite quote for the day...

We are all of us more or less echoes, repeating involuntarily the virtues, the defects, the movements, and the characters of those among whom we live. -Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824

What is your favorite word?

100

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with stuff.

Piles, boxes, bags, all full of things. Clothes, decorations, papers, pictures, more clothes, just lots and lots of stuff. It is everywhere. The attic is full, both sheds are full, the loft in the shed is full, closets are spilling over, all with stuff.

This week I am on a mission to get rid of it. I feel like it is suffocating me at times and I am so over that. Im tired of looking at it, thinking about it, feeling guilty about how much there is, I am ready to let it go.

Today my goal is to get rid of 100 things.

100 things that I don't love, don't need, maybe don't even remember that I have.

The stack of boxes to begin going through looks overwhelming, but I am reminded that there are people right now that are literally living out of the same boxes that house my stuff.

Kinda puts it all in perspective.

Positive

I realize that I have been a huge "Debbie Downer" lately and I am really trying to cheer up and see the glass as half full. In light of my recent epiphany, I have chosen to share only positives today. Here we go....

I got my hair cut on Sunday and was SuPeR excited about my new summer do! On my way to Indianapois on Monday morning I looked in the mirror to discover one chunk of hair hanging down that she had missed. I spent the rest of the morning at Riley with my head tilted to one side hoping it would distract anyone from the large section of hair that was hanging about one inch longer than the rest. On the positive side, at least it wasn't an inch shorter than the rest.


For the past several mornings I have heard a strange sound comming from outside near the laundry room. Turns out we have company. A lovely famiy of birds have taken up residency on our dryer vent. Plus side, until Brett takes care of it I don't have to do laundry.

I have worn the same Clinique makeup for the past 8 years. I have a winter shade and a summer shade and I always get the same thing. I went to get it on Sunday and turns out they no longer carry it. I saved $26.50.

I have not been sleeping well the last several nights. I keep waking up really early from strange dreams and then not being able to go back to sleep. Bright side is I can tell you exactly how many revolutions per minute the ceiling fan makes.

We are off to such a great start, I can't wait to see what the rest of the week brings!!!

Ifs

Ifs.

What if I ......?

Lately this question has been playing over and over again in my head. From the most open areas of my life to the most personal, what if.......

what if I.....what if he.....what if we.....what if I would have......what if I didn't.........what if it was 10 years ago.......what if...........?

Just when I think that I might be getting it all together, this happens. It always does. I begin to question everything. The question of "what if" becomes something that I obsess over, feeling like I have to know the answer in order to move on.

How do I figure out the answer to a question that doesn't always have one?

I keep waiting to grow up, to move beyond this searching stage, to find contentment. It hasn't happened yet. I hope it does.

I guess there is a good reason why this is one of my favorite sayings:

"If ifs were fifths, we'd all be drunk!"

Firsts

Firsts. At least first in a whiles. The last week has been full of them. Some good, some bad.

The first time I ate Uno's Pizza. Giordano's used to be my favorite, not any more.

The first time in a very long time that I cried in front of anyone other than Brett. I hate that.

The first time I tanned in a while. I know it is not the healthiest way to relieve stress, but there is just something about it that is so relaxing.

The first time I have ever seen a helicopter on the interstate. I kind of felt like I was in a big Hollywood movie, that was until I realized it was being pulled on a trailer. Weird.

The first time I have seen Isaak play. Sure, he has played before, but I mean really sit down and engage in creative play. He is seven.

The first time I had turkey bacon. Not bad. Not the same, but not bad.

The first time in a while that I was in a situation with a certain person and I did what was right even though it was not what I wanted to do.

The first time in three years that I really feel like it is going to be OK. It will be different than I planned, but it will be OK.

There were others this week, some very personal. Of those, there are ones that I will cherish forever and a few that I wish had not happened at all. Firsts can be exciting. They can also be painful.

Numb

It has been a very long day, one that creeps by in the middle of a even longer week.

Isaak is having a really hard time and is now on the verge of being permanently expelled from school. He has started to hurt himself and others. He barely sleeps, and when he does he goes through manic episodes, half awake and half asleep. He has threatened his classmates and teacher. He has stopped telling the truth.

The only word that I have to explain how I feel is numb. That's all that I have left.

I have done mad. I have done mad really well. I have been mad at everyone that I can think of, including God. I don't have the energy to do mad anymore.

I have lived sad. I have wallowed in sad. I am done with sad.

I have played the victim. Over and over again I have made this all about me.

I have taken comfort in guilt. I have used guilt as a way to make sense of what is going on. I done with that.

I have faked happy. I have faked happy a lot. I have pretended to be OK for so long, hoping that I could fake it until I feel it. I am not happy.

I am numb. I am out of anger and sadness and guilt and tired of pretending.
Numb is all I have left.

Questions

Why me, why us, why him?
Why this, out of everything that could have happened, why this?
When does is stop hurting?
When do I stop dreaming about what could have been and accept this as reality?
How long before I stop blaming myself, analyzing every decision I made while pregnant and before?
Why do I need to know the how and the when?
When do I stop making it about me?
When do I stop worrying about what other people think?
When do I stop relating Autism with being a bad parent?
What if it never gets any better than today?
What if it gets worse?
How could God possibly think that I could handle this?
Why?

It seems that I have so many more questions than answers these days.

Real

I just can't get something out of me head. Someone close to me recently asked me if I was "real".

Are the things that I do and the way that I act who I really am?
Or, am I just pretending? Just playing a role?

The honest answer is that I don't know.

I used to think I was.

I think I want to be.

I get so close to letting go of all the things that I desperatly cling to that keep me from being "real", yet let the fear of being transparent keep me from going all the way.

Why is it so hard?

Goldmine Update

Just an update on my most recent auction find/ebay sale. My two plates sold for $177.50 and $189.50. I still have four more to list. Keep your fingers crossed!!

Oops, I Did It Again....

I spent all of last Friday with the finest people that Lebanon, IN has to offer and came home with a truck FULL of stuff from the auction. Ashley, my youngest sister, and I spent ALOT of money and I was feeling just a bit disappointed at the value of some of the items that I bought, thinking that I might not be able to come out ahead on this trip.

I was wrong!! I bought a whole lot of misc. items for $12.00. There was a bunch of stuff in this lot, enough to cover an 8 ft table and what I really wanted from the group was a set of sterling silver vases to use on my mantle. I knew that one of the clocks in the lot was Swiss and would bring a nice profit, but other than that the rest would probably be junk.

I was wrong!! Turns out that there were six ugly little green and white plates that were original to the West Baden Hotel from the early 1900's. We have only listed two of them so far and with 5 days to go on the auction, they are both up to $100 a piece. Oh yeah, and the clock will probably sell for about $75. Yeah!!

I love being wrong!

Check it out!

All I Want For Christmas Is My "OLD" Two Front Teeth

All of us know people that just seem to always have it together. The kind of people that have all the luck. The people that happen to walk into a store only to find out they are the 1,000,000th customer and win a huge shopping spree. The people that get a letter in the mail one day that tells them their great, great uncle just died and left them a fortune. The kind of people that have it so good it almost seems unnatural.

We are not those kind of people.

If there is anything crazy, unusual or just plain weird that is going to happen, it is probably going to happen to us.

If something that is outrageously expensive is going to happen, again it is probably going to affect us.

At approximately 10:00 am this morning I got a phone call from the Faith Community Center where Isaak was at his first day of Winter Camp. He was there for all of 90 minutes before he fell in the locker room on the wet shower floor before going swimming only to break his two front permanent teeth almost in half. We had to rush him to the dentist and thankfully there was no damage to the roots or blood supply but he did have to get temporary resin caps to even out his teeth. He will have to have them replaced several times before he can get permanent ones, probably by the age of 11 or 12.

How much might one of these TEMPORARY caps cost, you might be asking yourself. Only $214. Oh yeah, that is for one tooth. We had to have two, and x-rays, and an exam......

Seeing how we have already met our out of pocket maximum for the year on our health insurance which is $10,000, it only seems fitting that it was a dental accident and of course have no dental insurance.

New Nazarene Abstinence Program

I wrote a curriculum a few years ago for an abstinence plus program. Part of the project was to come up with practical suggestions for teens to deter them from having sex. Had this product been available then, it would have for sure been at the top of the list. Maybe this snuggie could be a requirement for all lock-ins and crazy nights.

Snuggie Commercial

The link takes a few seconds, but then you have to watch the video of the commercial. My favorite part is when the family is outside at a sporting event. Priceless!!

I Was Wrong

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I was wrong. Let me explain...

Friday night Dave and Gloria Powell and Brett and I went to Peru for the Colosseum Combat to watch Shawn Tague fight. He does cage fighting and I had already made up my mind that it was going to be terrible. I was expecting it to be in some backwoods barn where you had to know the secret knock just to get in the door. I anticipated the lowest of low lives and that it would be a night filled with horror. I was wrong.

I had decided long before the fight that this sport is wrong in every way. I made it out to be something that is no more than a glorified street brawl where angry and possibly psychotic men go to either beat someone up or be beaten up. I again was wrong.

I speculated that the only kind of people that could possibly enjoy watching this kind of violence probably fit into one or more of these categories; redneck, ex-con or mentally ill. For the third time, I was wrong.

I was prepared for the worst and instead it was not that bad, in fact, I actually enjoyed it. It was nothing like I expected it to be and I am so glad that I was a "big girl" about it and just went.

Shawn's fight was by far the highlight of the whole night. The first several fights were over in a matter of seconds, but Shawn's lasted almost 5 minutes. He ended up tapping out because the other guy had him in an arm bar, but he really was amazing. It was so great to see Shawn in his element. He had a peace about him that I have missed seeing and am grateful for. And little miss Cheri...she was right there at ring side cheering him on. I don't know how she did it. I would have climbed over the top after the first hit. She was so proud of him. It was a good night!!

I guess the lesson here is that things are not always what they seem and that sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone and give it a try. You might actually like it.

Hmmm.....I wonder if they have a women's cage fighting league?

On Your Mark, Get Set......

Go!!!!!

Black Friday is almost here!!! Some people train months for marathons and Super Bowls, I train for the biggest shopping day of the year. Since I am an expert in this field I thought I would offer a few tips for the amateurs out there. Now pay attention as these could very well save your life if caught in a mob of early morning shoppers.

1. Go early or stay home. They don't call them door buster deals for nothing. If you are not there when they open at 4a.m., then just don't bother.

2. Be prepared. If you go in there not sure where you are going or what you are looking for you are going to be devoured. Professionals such as myself get the Black Friday ads online a week in advance and have our list prepared. I like to go to the stores on Wednesday night to see where everything on my list is. The retailers can be just a bit tricky with where they locate high demand items. It might seem extreme to some, but this extra step could make the difference between you getting that top selling item to give as a gift or giving a fruit cake. Once you make your plan stick to it. They will try to woo you and confuse you by sparkly things and big sale signs, but don't fall for it. Get in, get the deals, get out and move on to the next store.

3. Dress for success. This is no time to look cute or hip. Tennis shoes are a necessity as well as dressing in layers that are easy to remove, but not too bulky to carry. Oh yeah, and leave your coat in the car. As cold as it might be to stand in line outside Kohl's at 3:45 a.m., you will be glad you are not wearing it or trying to carry it while you are standing in line for an hour waiting to pay.

4. Refuel often. This is no day for diets or eating healthy. A serious work out like this needs serious stamina. Just as marathon runners carb load before a race, I like to Diet Pepsi load early, then follow that by a Cinnabon a few hours in. The right combination of food and drink can make or break the day. You need to stay hydrated, but the last thing you want is to discover you need to potty really bad when you are 10 minutes from the front of the line and 45 minutes from the back of the line.

5. Know your limits. Don't be embarrassed if by 5 pm you are exhausted and sleep deprived. You can not expect to be a pro over night. If you must call it an early night, congratulate yourself on your accomplishment and remember that there is always Saturday door busters and Cyber Monday.

6. Finally, remember to be nice. Make friends with the people in line around you. You are going to be spending the next 30-90 minutes with them, why not chat a bit. It might just so happen that you forgot something on your list and they will hold your place in line while you run and get it. Be polite and gracious to the store employees. When you ask them if they have more Tickle Me Elmo's in the back, they might actually look if you ask them nicely. Remember it is not the cashiers fault that you stood in line for 90 minutes or that your item did not ring up the right price. They just scan it and push the buttons. Give them a break and a smile. If you are going to complain about the line or the enormous number of people, go home.

Stay strong, stay focused and you will be alright....hopefully.

Grateful

I was running just a few minutes late to pick Isaak up from school the other day when I took a "short" cut through a neighborhood only to get stopped behind a school bus. As I waited and waited I could not imagine what was taking so long for this kid to get off the bus. Seconds turned to what seemed like hours before I got the first glimpse of the boy. He had crutches that fit around his arms and as he would move one crutch up the driveway, his leg would drag behind. Each step was labored and deliberate. As I watched him struggle I could almost feel the pain of each movement. All of the sudden, my problems did not seem so big.

I have spent the last few weeks so immersed in feeling sorry for myself that I have lost sight on just how blessed I am. This situation with Isaak is bad, but it is not the end of the world. I am so grateful for a God that lets me pout and waits patiently for me to come back to him. I am also so thankful for my family. I love them so much and when I consider that the love that I have for them can not even compare to the love that God has for them I feel such comfort. I know that we are living in the midst of his plan for us and that his ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and thank you for your comments and prayers. I pray that as you celebrate Thanksgiving you will be near those you love and that you will be reminded of just how much God loves you. Grace and peace be with you all!!

Heartbroken

These past few months have been very hard on our family. Isaak turned 7 in October, and with his birthday came a heartbreaking realization that he is not going to "outgrow" his autism. Isaak's official diagnosis is "autism with co morbid bipolar disorder". That is a lot of terminology to use for a seven year old.

This isn't just a phase or a stage. It is his life, therefore it is our life. This thing, this autism, it is incurable. We can never love him enough or spoil him enough or wish it away enough for it to leave. We have prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded with God, but it is still here.

The one thing that I hate more than anything in this world lives in one that I love the most. I am having a very hard time dealing with that.

I see all of these other families around me and I am so jealous of the life that they live now and the future that they will have. Autism didn't just take something away from Isaak, but it stole something from me. It took away that chance for me to be the mom that I had always dreamed of. As much as I tell myself that I am mad at the situation, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am mad at God. I am mad the He let this happen, that He would let a 7 year old be so conflicted in his mind. I know intellectually that God did not "do" this to him or us, but it is hard to tell that to my emotions.

It took me 5 years to get pregnant with Isaak and when I found out I was finally pregnant it was truly a dream come true, but why did it have to end there. I know that so many people would read this and think that it is terrible to have these feelings, that I should just be thankful that God gave us a child at all. I can understand that viewpoint, but you have not lived this life. It is hard for a mom that isn't in my shoes to know what it is like to have your child look at you and yet you know it is not them that is looking back. When Isaak is cycling it isn't him that is there. Isaak is sweet, caring, loving, nurturing and a good friend. This other boy is mean, hateful, destructive, aggressive, deceitful and angry. We live half of our lives with this stranger and the other half waiting in fear of his return.

I know that I am rambling, but it has been a very long and hard day. I got called to school today because Isaak got in trouble for lying to his teacher ( again) and because he had been in trouble before, today he had to get a spanking from the principle. I have never felt so terrible. I had to sit in the office while I heard him screaming and crying, knowing what was going to happen. After his spanking they called me in and he just looked confused. It is a look that I will never, for the rest of my life, ever forget. I know, in my head that it was the right thing to do, but my heart is broken.

I keep coming back to the word of this song......

I waited for you today, but you didn't show..
I needed you today, so where did you go...
You told me to call, you said you'd be there...
I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know, you're here and I'm never alone

Politics......

Just like everyone else, I can not wait for the election to be over. I still am unsure of who I am voting for and probably won't be sure even after I vote. The thing that has been so interesting to me about this election process is how much Isaak understands, or at least hears about, the whole thing even at the age of 7.

The other day on the way home from Parent Teacher Conferences we were telling him that we saw one of his classmate's parents there. Brett said something about the Dad being different and we were laughing. Then Isaak laughed and said "Yeah, I think he is a democrat or something" He of course has no clue what that means, but has picked up on the fact that there are different political parties and that for most people one is the right way and one is wrong. It is amazing what they pick up....

Blog Loser :(

I feel like such a looser that I have not posted anything in so long. I have soooooooo much on my mind right now, but not enough time tonight to make it coherent enough for anyone else to understand. So for the time being I will pose this thought provoking, and possibly life altering question. This one happens to be my favorite from the random questions that come up on the profile screen.

If you could rename the ring toe, you know the one next to the pinkie toe, what would you name it?

Update on Dave

I talked to Gloria on Saturday and Dave is home from the hospital. His surgery went well but he will have to be given antibiotics through a PIC line for 2 more weeks. They go to the infectious disease Dr. on Monday to find out just what it was that caused the crazy infection. Continue to keep the Powell's in your prayers.

As a funny side note, Isaak has been really excited to go and buy his invitations for his birthday party. On the way to church this morning he asked if he and I could " skip the funeral part and leave after sunday school." What he meant was the sermon. I hope Pastor Troy wouldn't be offended :)

Pray for Dave Powell

Hey everyone!! I just got off the phone with Dave Powell and he is going in for surgery as I type. I guess he has an infection in his hip joint that they just found today using an MRI and by taking a sample of fluid. I don't know much more than that, Gloria was literally dropping him off at the front door of the hospital when he called. He is at Home Hospital and will be staying at least one night. Please keep him in your prayers!!