This isn't just a phase or a stage. It is his life, therefore it is our life. This thing, this autism, it is incurable. We can never love him enough or spoil him enough or wish it away enough for it to leave. We have prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded with God, but it is still here.
The one thing that I hate more than anything in this world lives in one that I love the most. I am having a very hard time dealing with that.
I see all of these other families around me and I am so jealous of the life that they live now and the future that they will have. Autism didn't just take something away from Isaak, but it stole something from me. It took away that chance for me to be the mom that I had always dreamed of. As much as I tell myself that I am mad at the situation, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am mad at God. I am mad the He let this happen, that He would let a 7 year old be so conflicted in his mind. I know intellectually that God did not "do" this to him or us, but it is hard to tell that to my emotions.
It took me 5 years to get pregnant with Isaak and when I found out I was finally pregnant it was truly a dream come true, but why did it have to end there. I know that so many people would read this and think that it is terrible to have these feelings, that I should just be thankful that God gave us a child at all. I can understand that viewpoint, but you have not lived this life. It is hard for a mom that isn't in my shoes to know what it is like to have your child look at you and yet you know it is not them that is looking back. When Isaak is cycling it isn't him that is there. Isaak is sweet, caring, loving, nurturing and a good friend. This other boy is mean, hateful, destructive, aggressive, deceitful and angry. We live half of our lives with this stranger and the other half waiting in fear of his return.
I know that I am rambling, but it has been a very long and hard day. I got called to school today because Isaak got in trouble for lying to his teacher ( again) and because he had been in trouble before, today he had to get a spanking from the principle. I have never felt so terrible. I had to sit in the office while I heard him screaming and crying, knowing what was going to happen. After his spanking they called me in and he just looked confused. It is a look that I will never, for the rest of my life, ever forget. I know, in my head that it was the right thing to do, but my heart is broken.
I keep coming back to the word of this song......
I waited for you today, but you didn't show..
I needed you today, so where did you go...
You told me to call, you said you'd be there...
I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know, you're here and I'm never alone
3 comments:
I was just surfing back through my blogs and noticed your comment on my rambling post...I happened across it at just the right time, so thank you!
I promised myself a long time ago that I would try to never offer trite, "I know how you feel" type statements when there is no possibility of it being true. That said, know that I and Melissa will be praying for you, and that - no matter what anyone tells you - it is okay to be angry with God. Both Jonah and Elijah got so mad at God that they wanted to die.
I'll leave you with this thought. Observing parents of children wtih autism has always blown my mind...it takes a kind of love that is greater than anything I've ever seen. Perhaps God allowed you and Brett to have an autistic child because he knew your hearts were capable of that kind of limitless love.
Regardless, you will always have friends praying for you in Oklahoma (or wherever else we happen to live)!
Thanks for your honesty, Heather.
I'm so sorry that he isn't going to "outgrow" it :( I can't even imagine how difficult it must be. Does the school understand that he isn't really himself sometimes and that maybe he doesn't mean to lie?
I will try to remember to pray for you guys more often!
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