I've been thinking a lot lately about how I got to the point where I am right now, in both the good and bad ways......
Specifically, I have been trying to figure out at what point I fooled myself into thinking that being stuck was just being grounded.
Today I made just a tiny step towards getting unstuck, out of the funnel that I have been comfortably miserable in. It wasn't huge, not life altering, but it was a step. One that probably went unnoticed by the world around me, but for the first time in a very long time, it wasn't about or even for them.
Not epic to the world but essential for mine...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Just Some Random Thoughts
All kinds of random thoughts, things that don't really fit anywhere else...
First off, what is up with all the one word titles for my recent blogs. I just scrolled through them and laughed out loud. Like I am too important or too big of a deal to come up with more than one word. That is funny. I promise, I'm done with that nonsense.
I would really like to be a back up singer. I used to think that I wanted to be a rock star, but now I think what I really want is to be in the back, wearing one of those super cute not-matching-yet-coordinating outfits and doing the side to side shimmy thing. Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome.
I want to go back to school. I only have 5 classes left to finish my degree in Child Development and Family Studies with a minor in Fine Arts. I love being in school. There is just something about the whole college vibe that I miss so much.
I think I am going to get another tattoo. I am having a hard time deciding where, but I know exactly what I want. $250 Tuesday at Sacred Apple is a bargain.
I am a bit embarrassed about how excited I am for the new Harry Potter movie to come out. Like it might be on the top ten most exciting events in my life. Kicker is, it opens during VBS, which I am directing. Something is gonna have to give.
I really would love to spend the weekend hanging out with Rob Dyrdek, Jason Mraz, John Mayer and Dave Matthews. No agenda, just hangin' out. Maybe some bbq, a little impromptu acoustic sing along if they felt so inclined, just chillin'. Oh yeah, and my other BFF can come too, just to keep me grounded.
I feel like I might have finally had that moment where I realize that I am middle age, old even. I really like cars. I know exactly what I like and what I don't like. For a while now I have wanted either a Dodge Charger or a Lincoln MKZ. In the past when I have seen one I have always lusted just a bit for it. We have looked into both of them and I know the cost and payment for each, and it is a lot. The other day I was stopped next to a GORGEOUS black MKZ and the first thought that went through my mind was.... "I'm so glad I don't have that payment." I am officially old.
I find myself saying all of those things that I swore growing up I would never say. I am from pretty humble roots, to say the least. The words redneck and hillbilly would be very appropriate. I, however, used to be obsessed about not living up to that legacy. Seems that I the apple might not have fallen so far from the tree. I find myself all the time saying things like "fixin' to, oughten not and y'all." The other day I even told Luke we were "leavin' to go to town", we live in town.
I feel guilty about the fact that I am neither a pet person or a baby person. Doesn't that sound evil? I mean I don't hate em', babies at least, I just don't really like to hang out with them for any extended period of time.
Given the choice between television/movies or music, I would with out a doubt pick music. I could go for the rest of my life and never watch another TV show or movie, as long as I had music. I really could not imagine my life without it.
I feel strangely relieved about airing out some of my random even peculiar thoughts. There are others, but for now, that will do. Ahhhhhhhh, I really do feel better!
First off, what is up with all the one word titles for my recent blogs. I just scrolled through them and laughed out loud. Like I am too important or too big of a deal to come up with more than one word. That is funny. I promise, I'm done with that nonsense.
I would really like to be a back up singer. I used to think that I wanted to be a rock star, but now I think what I really want is to be in the back, wearing one of those super cute not-matching-yet-coordinating outfits and doing the side to side shimmy thing. Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome.
I want to go back to school. I only have 5 classes left to finish my degree in Child Development and Family Studies with a minor in Fine Arts. I love being in school. There is just something about the whole college vibe that I miss so much.
I think I am going to get another tattoo. I am having a hard time deciding where, but I know exactly what I want. $250 Tuesday at Sacred Apple is a bargain.
I am a bit embarrassed about how excited I am for the new Harry Potter movie to come out. Like it might be on the top ten most exciting events in my life. Kicker is, it opens during VBS, which I am directing. Something is gonna have to give.
I really would love to spend the weekend hanging out with Rob Dyrdek, Jason Mraz, John Mayer and Dave Matthews. No agenda, just hangin' out. Maybe some bbq, a little impromptu acoustic sing along if they felt so inclined, just chillin'. Oh yeah, and my other BFF can come too, just to keep me grounded.
I feel like I might have finally had that moment where I realize that I am middle age, old even. I really like cars. I know exactly what I like and what I don't like. For a while now I have wanted either a Dodge Charger or a Lincoln MKZ. In the past when I have seen one I have always lusted just a bit for it. We have looked into both of them and I know the cost and payment for each, and it is a lot. The other day I was stopped next to a GORGEOUS black MKZ and the first thought that went through my mind was.... "I'm so glad I don't have that payment." I am officially old.
I find myself saying all of those things that I swore growing up I would never say. I am from pretty humble roots, to say the least. The words redneck and hillbilly would be very appropriate. I, however, used to be obsessed about not living up to that legacy. Seems that I the apple might not have fallen so far from the tree. I find myself all the time saying things like "fixin' to, oughten not and y'all." The other day I even told Luke we were "leavin' to go to town", we live in town.
I feel guilty about the fact that I am neither a pet person or a baby person. Doesn't that sound evil? I mean I don't hate em', babies at least, I just don't really like to hang out with them for any extended period of time.
Given the choice between television/movies or music, I would with out a doubt pick music. I could go for the rest of my life and never watch another TV show or movie, as long as I had music. I really could not imagine my life without it.
I feel strangely relieved about airing out some of my random even peculiar thoughts. There are others, but for now, that will do. Ahhhhhhhh, I really do feel better!
Monday, May 18, 2009
But then...
I can't even count the number of times my kids have gone to bed dirty or with out brushing their teeth. There have been days when they have eaten candy for breakfast and I have often bought them things just to keep them from throwing a fit. I have regretted saying no way to often and regretted even more not saying no. I have often ran out of patience way to early in the day.
There are days when I know that I have failed them, but then....
There are the days when it all seems right. Moments when I truly know that loving them is enough.
Today was one of those days.
Isaak came home from school upset about the death of a mother and two children that attend church at Faith, where he goes to school. We talked about it for a while and then he said, "at least it is good for them, cause they are in heaven now, and there are no fires in heaven." We talked a bit more, then he asked me if he could ask Jesus to live in his heart. We knelt right there in the garage, and he bowed his little head and said the sweetest prayer I have ever heard.
I am so thankful for days like this, one that I will never forget.
There are days when I know that I have failed them, but then....
There are the days when it all seems right. Moments when I truly know that loving them is enough.
Today was one of those days.
Isaak came home from school upset about the death of a mother and two children that attend church at Faith, where he goes to school. We talked about it for a while and then he said, "at least it is good for them, cause they are in heaven now, and there are no fires in heaven." We talked a bit more, then he asked me if he could ask Jesus to live in his heart. We knelt right there in the garage, and he bowed his little head and said the sweetest prayer I have ever heard.
I am so thankful for days like this, one that I will never forget.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Here
"....right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be...and I could not ask for more."
It has taken me a long time to actually believe this, longer than I even want to admit to myself. I have spent so much time and energy trying to get back to the place where I thought I should be, only to realize that it was a place that I had created in my mind.
I am ashamed of what that journey has looked like. In every situation that I sought happiness and failed, there was one common denominator. Me. There is no friendship, no relationship, no drink, nothing that could change the fact that what I was unhappy with the most was me.
It hasn't been easy and wouldn't expect it to be, but I am changing. The hardest part in changing is mental for me. I can act the part, I can put on the show that people want, but actually feeling it has been hard.
I am good at pretending and even better at manipulating situations and relationships. I am trying to stop that, but it is something that I have always done, and I know that it will take time.
More than anything, I am thankful. I have spent so many years trying to keep God at a safe distance. Ready to call on him in times of need, but far enough away to feel like he wasn't watching. Praying for people and expecting that he would answer, but believing that it was a kind of grace and love that was reserved for others but certainly not for me. Accepting that kind of gift is hard for me.
It is a process for me, something that I want desperately. I also know that it is something that I could never do on my own. Stumbling scares me, the fear of reverting to what is comfortable is numbing.
More than fear, I feel hope. I feel reassurance and confirmation that this really is right where I am supposed to be. In this moment, I am not supposed to be anywhere but here.
That is awesome.
I
It has taken me a long time to actually believe this, longer than I even want to admit to myself. I have spent so much time and energy trying to get back to the place where I thought I should be, only to realize that it was a place that I had created in my mind.
I am ashamed of what that journey has looked like. In every situation that I sought happiness and failed, there was one common denominator. Me. There is no friendship, no relationship, no drink, nothing that could change the fact that what I was unhappy with the most was me.
It hasn't been easy and wouldn't expect it to be, but I am changing. The hardest part in changing is mental for me. I can act the part, I can put on the show that people want, but actually feeling it has been hard.
I am good at pretending and even better at manipulating situations and relationships. I am trying to stop that, but it is something that I have always done, and I know that it will take time.
More than anything, I am thankful. I have spent so many years trying to keep God at a safe distance. Ready to call on him in times of need, but far enough away to feel like he wasn't watching. Praying for people and expecting that he would answer, but believing that it was a kind of grace and love that was reserved for others but certainly not for me. Accepting that kind of gift is hard for me.
It is a process for me, something that I want desperately. I also know that it is something that I could never do on my own. Stumbling scares me, the fear of reverting to what is comfortable is numbing.
More than fear, I feel hope. I feel reassurance and confirmation that this really is right where I am supposed to be. In this moment, I am not supposed to be anywhere but here.
That is awesome.
I
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
...hope..
...I found this poem a few years ago and I always go back to it as a reminder of the blessings that I have...
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
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