Stream of Thoughts...

I try to write for at least 5 minutes every night. Sometimes it is deep, heartfelt, therapeutic. Other times, not so much. Last night was one of the latter times. Here was what popped into my head over that 5 minutes. This is how my mind works all day, it is amazing that I ever get anything done..

Monday, June 22nd

Busy day, got lots of stuff done for Luke's party...I forgot to invite Krista and Troy, I better face book her tomorrow..Still need to get a pinata or Luke will have a coronary...Luke, Isaak and a huge stick might be my worst nightmare...
Forgot to get Ike's goggles from Mamaw's house...I need to put that on my list before I go to bed...I also need to make a grocery list for VBS...
Don't forget to talk to Ricia, Robyn and Janice to get their lists.
Call Keith tomorrow about t shirts...I also need to call Troy about the picture...I can't believe I forgot to call Cheri Tague today... I have to call and check on her tomorrow, I hope she is doing better...I should call Holly too...uhg...maybe not...I love this song...I should get this cd, if I don't already have it...it might be on 18 Kids...need to check on that...I think I missed Jon and Kate plus 8...How does thread get to school..a spool bus...I think that was Ike's joke...I don't think he got it...Oh, I love this song even more...there is no way that is Gene Simmons...Who is that singing...I need to google that...I danced to this song at a Christmas dance in high school...OMG, I can't believe he is gay...That makes 4 guys that I dated that are now gay...That could be a really good sign or a really bad one...I wonder what his boyfriend looks like...I cant believe how bald he is...kind of funny...I bet he is...nevermind....ick...Has it been 5 minutes yet...I think I am missing Run's House...I wonder if Brett knows it is on...I think he does...Gotta go to the bank tomorrow before I lose that check...again...I hope my bank girl is there...kind of creepy how much I love to see her...someone might read that in a few years and think I was a crazy stalker...but i do love her...I wonder what her name is...prolly something cute like Claire or Kristen...hope it is not Mary or Judy...that would totally ruin my obsession with her...too funny...4 minutes and 30 seconds is long enough!

Goodbye..

Today I ended two relationships.
Relationships that have sustained..carried..supported..devastated me.
Parts of my life that have been dead long before I was ready to say goodbye.
Feelings that I fear will never die.

One relationship has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
I forget how it started..when it became so strong.
It was always toxic.
At times I thrived on how detrimental it was.
This friendship gave me the strength to do what was weak.
The excuse to make the wrong choice.
It was never really able to stop my conscience from knowing better.
It tried. It tried really hard.
The relationship failed me.
Failing it is what made me stronger.
I said goodbye to it tonight.

The other relationship was younger..but has always been there.
The face to it was new..the outline the same.
This friendship gave me power.
It made me feel loved..excepted..hated..
It came up underneath me and pushed me to the surface..long enough to breathe..
Then it pushed me under..held me down..
The pain and discomfort was exciting..numbing..
The relationship was broke from the beginning, never real...
At times is was closer to real than anything I had felt before.
I said goodbye to it tonight.

The hardest part of me saying goodbye is knowing how much I mean it.
It is knowing that I might change my mind.
It is knowing that the goodbyes were one sided.
These friendships still have life in them..
What if the other side is strong enough to keep it going..
What is I am not strong enough to resist.

Saying goodbye is hard..empowering..scary..confirming..
It can be final..temporary..subjective..
It is goodbye...
Sometimes it's just hard to find the good in it...

Journal Confessions

I write for a lot of reasons, but sometimes I do it just for fun, as a distraction rather than as therapy. I have kind of a wicked sense of humor, one that many people don't quite get, and you are about to see why. I found this in my journal from about a month ago. There really is nothing else I can say about it other than it must have been a really crazy day..

May 5, 2009


Dear Journal,

I have a confession to make.....

Oh, why is this so hard?
I need to just come out and say it, but I'm afraid.
I'm afraid you will never treat me the same way again.

OK.... I'm just gonna say it....

But first, let me say, it is going to sound so much worse than it is...

I know I am just stalling....

So...here goes....

I'm cheating on you.

Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that!
It's not like "cheating" cheating....it's just...

I've been seeing someone else.....
Yes, it's someone that you know.....

OK.... it's Twitter.

Please don't be mad.
I love you so much.
I mean, you have been there for me through some really hard times.
I will never forget that....It's just....

There has been this distance between us.
I pour my heart out to you and you never even say anything.
It's like you aren't even listening...
I need more....There are things that a girl just has to hear...
Twitter gives me something that you never could....

I don't know where we go from here..
But, I know I don't want us to end.
I'm not strong enough to make it without you...

The real truth is... I want you both.
I know that sounds selfish and it probably is....
It's just how I feel.
Don't you want me to be happy.....


Please say something...anything...

See...that is exactly my point...

Journal Entry June 3rd

About a year ago I read The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne and it challenged every idea I had about Christianity. It caused me to think about following Jesus in a way that I never had before. It changed me....for about a week.

We just finished our Crazy Love class with Pastor Troy and it too has challenged me. I am fascinated with this concept of an all encompassing, overwhelming love for God that requires a life change. The class changed me....but that was last week.

I am struggling to get ahold of this. For me, writing is a way that I work through things. Here is a page from my journal...

June 3rd

I feel like I'm so close.
I think this is different.
I could be wrong.
Is it just like every time before?

I am so close to peeking over the edge.
So close to hurling myself into you.
On the verge of going farther than ever before.
What if I step out and change my mind.
Is it already too late to turn back?

I want it to be so much more than that thing.
More than a movement.
Much more than a cause.
Anything but a phase.

I don't want to fail me.
Terrified even more of failing you.
I'm in a place where I know I can't stay.
A place that I am petrified to leave.

Funny, this talk about a comfort zone.
Comfort. It is anything but comfortable.
Yet I am rooted in it.
Clinging to it.
Why is it so hard to leave misery?

I don't know what all this means.
I'm afraid I will just wait until this feeling passes.
I've done that, too many times.
But I will wait.
I don't have a choice.

Journal Entry May 27th

Our Wednesday night Crazy Love class has been awesome. I really don't want it to end. Last week Pastor Troy talked about being raw. What would it look like if we were really raw with God, uncensored and real. This is what I wrote that night. This is tough for me because it goes against the image that I have worked so hard to create....but this is raw..

May 27th

Sometimes I look in the mirror and the life that you have given me is so foreign from what I had planned that I am sure it is a mistake.

Unrecognizable.

You knew my dreams. You knew how much I had planned for this. You let me plan and dream for 5 years. You let me dream and then ignored them.

I envy those with normal. I long for one day of normal. I hate normal because of how abnormal that is for him.

I have tried to listen, tried to hear you through all of this. I can't. My life is so loud that I can't hear you. I have held my hands so tightly over my ears, closed my eyes and waited....I didn't hear you.

There are days when this thing between us feels so one sided. I show up every morning, I don't have a choice. I am there, but I'm not sure you are. I'm here, but here alone.

I want to hear you, to see you. I want it so much, but you are gonna have to scream.