Words

So, I am kind of a closet nerd. I have a strong affinity for words, one that could be considered borderline obsessive. I am always amazed at the power of words, that a simple combination of letters can have so much impact. My absolute favorite word is nevertheless. I just love it!

I follow lots of "word for the day" lists and today two of my words were diaphanous and contretemps. My goal for the day is to use those words in casual conversation, which could be a stretch considering who I will be talking to.

Here is my favorite quote for the day...

We are all of us more or less echoes, repeating involuntarily the virtues, the defects, the movements, and the characters of those among whom we live. -Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824

What is your favorite word?

100

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with stuff.

Piles, boxes, bags, all full of things. Clothes, decorations, papers, pictures, more clothes, just lots and lots of stuff. It is everywhere. The attic is full, both sheds are full, the loft in the shed is full, closets are spilling over, all with stuff.

This week I am on a mission to get rid of it. I feel like it is suffocating me at times and I am so over that. Im tired of looking at it, thinking about it, feeling guilty about how much there is, I am ready to let it go.

Today my goal is to get rid of 100 things.

100 things that I don't love, don't need, maybe don't even remember that I have.

The stack of boxes to begin going through looks overwhelming, but I am reminded that there are people right now that are literally living out of the same boxes that house my stuff.

Kinda puts it all in perspective.

Positive

I realize that I have been a huge "Debbie Downer" lately and I am really trying to cheer up and see the glass as half full. In light of my recent epiphany, I have chosen to share only positives today. Here we go....

I got my hair cut on Sunday and was SuPeR excited about my new summer do! On my way to Indianapois on Monday morning I looked in the mirror to discover one chunk of hair hanging down that she had missed. I spent the rest of the morning at Riley with my head tilted to one side hoping it would distract anyone from the large section of hair that was hanging about one inch longer than the rest. On the positive side, at least it wasn't an inch shorter than the rest.


For the past several mornings I have heard a strange sound comming from outside near the laundry room. Turns out we have company. A lovely famiy of birds have taken up residency on our dryer vent. Plus side, until Brett takes care of it I don't have to do laundry.

I have worn the same Clinique makeup for the past 8 years. I have a winter shade and a summer shade and I always get the same thing. I went to get it on Sunday and turns out they no longer carry it. I saved $26.50.

I have not been sleeping well the last several nights. I keep waking up really early from strange dreams and then not being able to go back to sleep. Bright side is I can tell you exactly how many revolutions per minute the ceiling fan makes.

We are off to such a great start, I can't wait to see what the rest of the week brings!!!

Ifs

Ifs.

What if I ......?

Lately this question has been playing over and over again in my head. From the most open areas of my life to the most personal, what if.......

what if I.....what if he.....what if we.....what if I would have......what if I didn't.........what if it was 10 years ago.......what if...........?

Just when I think that I might be getting it all together, this happens. It always does. I begin to question everything. The question of "what if" becomes something that I obsess over, feeling like I have to know the answer in order to move on.

How do I figure out the answer to a question that doesn't always have one?

I keep waiting to grow up, to move beyond this searching stage, to find contentment. It hasn't happened yet. I hope it does.

I guess there is a good reason why this is one of my favorite sayings:

"If ifs were fifths, we'd all be drunk!"

Firsts

Firsts. At least first in a whiles. The last week has been full of them. Some good, some bad.

The first time I ate Uno's Pizza. Giordano's used to be my favorite, not any more.

The first time in a very long time that I cried in front of anyone other than Brett. I hate that.

The first time I tanned in a while. I know it is not the healthiest way to relieve stress, but there is just something about it that is so relaxing.

The first time I have ever seen a helicopter on the interstate. I kind of felt like I was in a big Hollywood movie, that was until I realized it was being pulled on a trailer. Weird.

The first time I have seen Isaak play. Sure, he has played before, but I mean really sit down and engage in creative play. He is seven.

The first time I had turkey bacon. Not bad. Not the same, but not bad.

The first time in a while that I was in a situation with a certain person and I did what was right even though it was not what I wanted to do.

The first time in three years that I really feel like it is going to be OK. It will be different than I planned, but it will be OK.

There were others this week, some very personal. Of those, there are ones that I will cherish forever and a few that I wish had not happened at all. Firsts can be exciting. They can also be painful.

Numb

It has been a very long day, one that creeps by in the middle of a even longer week.

Isaak is having a really hard time and is now on the verge of being permanently expelled from school. He has started to hurt himself and others. He barely sleeps, and when he does he goes through manic episodes, half awake and half asleep. He has threatened his classmates and teacher. He has stopped telling the truth.

The only word that I have to explain how I feel is numb. That's all that I have left.

I have done mad. I have done mad really well. I have been mad at everyone that I can think of, including God. I don't have the energy to do mad anymore.

I have lived sad. I have wallowed in sad. I am done with sad.

I have played the victim. Over and over again I have made this all about me.

I have taken comfort in guilt. I have used guilt as a way to make sense of what is going on. I done with that.

I have faked happy. I have faked happy a lot. I have pretended to be OK for so long, hoping that I could fake it until I feel it. I am not happy.

I am numb. I am out of anger and sadness and guilt and tired of pretending.
Numb is all I have left.

Questions

Why me, why us, why him?
Why this, out of everything that could have happened, why this?
When does is stop hurting?
When do I stop dreaming about what could have been and accept this as reality?
How long before I stop blaming myself, analyzing every decision I made while pregnant and before?
Why do I need to know the how and the when?
When do I stop making it about me?
When do I stop worrying about what other people think?
When do I stop relating Autism with being a bad parent?
What if it never gets any better than today?
What if it gets worse?
How could God possibly think that I could handle this?
Why?

It seems that I have so many more questions than answers these days.